Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Bullet In the Hip is Worth a Soap on the Rope

Former Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress surrendered to federal authorities and was sentenced to 2 years in Riker's Island for weapons charges stemming from a shooting incident in a New York nightclub in which Burress shot himself in the leg with a .40 caliber semi-automatic weapon that he was carrying in the waistband of his sweatpants. With good behavior Burress' sentence will likely be reduced to 20-months. Burress was also sentenced to 2 years of post release supervision.

In honor of Plaxico's sure to be unforgettable stay in prison, here are some tips and tricks to help Mr. Burress come out with everything that he goes in with.

1.Stay in an area where there's a lot of people watching you; where the guards are watching you. This shouldn't be a problem for Plax. He's certainly accustomed to seeking and being the center of attention. Just think of the guards as your offensive line -- without the tacit bonds of comradery fomented by huge contracts and mandatory mini-camps of course.

2.Do not become confrontational with anyone. Respect people; be polite. If you taunt the officials in jail you don't get fined, you get tasered. If you talk smack to the other team you don't get suspended, you get shanked.

3.Don't borrow anything from anyone. Don't become beholden to anyone. You can always file for bankruptcy if you spend more than you make in the altered reality inhabited by a NFL star. In jail, you'll probably end up selling your assets and I don't mean mutual funds, cars, or your iced out watch from Jacob the Jeweler. Just to clarify, I'm talking about your butt.

4.Secure the soap. You've never had a problem holding on to the rock. Now is probably not the most opportune time to catch a case of the fumbles.

5.Consider a position change. I have a feeling that being a Pro Bowl wide receiver may have a different connotation at Rikers.

6.Don't discuss your crime. This rule usually applies to people convicted of taboo crimes such as rape and child molestation but to cold-blooded murders and robbers adept at using instruments of death and destruction effectively, you might not want to tell them that you're in the slammer for shooting yourself in the leg. Oh wait, they have television in jail so they probably already know. Sorry Plax.

7.Don't stare at another prisoner. Always walk with your head facing forward. Mean mugging might be an effective form of intimidation on the gridiron but behind iron you might get killed, stuffed, and used as pigskin for a game of touch football on the yard.

8.Do not use drugs We know how much you love the sticky buds Plax but your days of puffing green have gone up in smoke. Drug use is a guaranteed road to trouble. You will become severely indebted if you become addicted and you run the risk of being caught by the guards. Drugs are readily accessible and while they may make your time seem less painful, they will almost certainly lead you into big trouble -- kind of like shooting yourself in the leg.

9.Work out. It helps you pass the time (which you will have a lot of), bulk up so that you're less of a target (which you will be), and gives you a leg up conditioning wise on all the other 34-year old free agent wide receiver ex-felons that you'll be competing with for a job in 20-months. Oh wait...

10.Do some deep thinking and reflection. You've already made the decision now try to figure out why you did it so that, at the very least, you don't shoot yourself in the same leg again. Not only would that really hurt your ego, you could potentially cause permanent nerve damage.

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