Thursday, January 7, 2010

5 Things I Hate To Deal With When It Snows in Chicago

5. Businesses/residences that think it's not their responsibility to shovel/scrape/salt the sidewalks in front of their buildings. You're single-handedly responsible for slowing down my commute and I will pee on your premises one night or multiple nights as I stumble home beligerent and drunk.

4. People who wrap themselves from head to toe like a mummy. It's not cold you fucking nancies! Snow, although in a different form than your Twilightized little minds are used to, is only frozen rain. It's not going to burn through your Northface jacket or ruin your color job (which was horribly done anyway. You should get your money back. Seriously.).

3. Guys walking around with shovels. Instead of using your earnings to procure Natural Ice and Newports, why don't you invest in a snowblower. You can do twice as much work, make twice as much money, and avoid almost hitting me in the head with the shovel that's hanging precariously over your shoulder when I'm on the way to the train station.

2. CTA attendants standing around doing nothing. I don't know if you noticed but IT'S FUCKING SNOWING! People are almost sliding off the platform! I understand that, in this day and age, going to work to, I don't know, do actual work is a novel concept but how about, instead of screaming across the platform at your fellow lackies about how fresh your new fake Affliction hat is, grabbing a shovel and a bucket of sand (since the CTA is way over budget and can't afford salt or calcium chloride) and attempting to protect the safety of your customers with permanent retardation and inner ear infections from watching The Vampire Diaries on TiVo so that I don't have to make up for their loss by paying more for my 30-Day pass.

1. People complaining about how much snow there is. It's fucking Chicago in the middle of the Great Plains! What did you expect when you moved here(since there's practically no born and bred Chicagoans left in this town)? Did you think to look at an almanac before you decided to hitch your U-Haul trailer to your Nissan Maxima and hit the road? Even worse, if you've lived in Chicago all of your life and you're complaining, please do us all a favor and borrow a handgun from Gilbert Arenas and save us all some much needed ear room. Welcome to Chicago. It snows like hell in the winter and it's hot as fuck in the summer.

What do you guys hate to deal with when it snows in Chicago?

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