Saturday, May 29, 2010

Quotes of the Day

"You must think like a man of action and act like a man of thought.'

"What does a man do when there is no way out of a situation? Find a way to get further in."

"Character is easier kept than recovered."

"The difference between truth and fiction is that fiction has to make sense."

"Sometimes a man can meet his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."

"Sometimes in life wisdom is knowing what bridge to cross and which bridge to burn."

Thursday, May 27, 2010

D. Wade Wants Loyalty?

I was watching Mike and Mike this morning and they talked at length about Wade's comments about the Bulls' front office and ownership not being loyal to players like Jordan and Pippen after their careers were over and insinuating that this perceived lack of loyalty (kind of ironic given his present personal situation) may affect the Bulls' chances of getting player such as himself or LeBron. I have to agree with Mike and Mike when they mentioned that the Bulls were loyal to players and coaches like John Paxson, Bob Love, Norm Van Lier, Johnny "Red" Kerr, Bill Cartwright and, recently, Randy Brown and Lindsey Hunter and that maybe it was something in the personalities of Jordan and Pippen that rubbed Reinsdorf the wrong way.

I can also see things from Wade's perspective. Before Jordan and Pippen arrived Chicago could hardly be characterized as a basketball town even though the city produced a plethora of ballers before the championship era. I'm sure that Wade is biased because his game and his love for it evolved during the dynasty. One might even argue that the presence of Jordan, Pippen, and company is single-handedly responsible for Garnett, Wade and, later, Derrick Rose.

What Wade fails to mention is that these players were handsomely rewarded for their talents in dollars. When you get paid to do something, whether it be a 9 to 5 or to shoot a basketball, loyalty is taken out of the equation. Jordan was paid upwards of $30 million per year in his last 3 years with the Bulls. When Jordan took his year and a half hiatus to play minor league baseball in Birmingham (a White Sox affiliateI), he wasn't paid like a minor league ball player. Reindorf paid his airness his normal NBA salary. I would love to see Wade and LeBron in a Bulls uniforms more than anyone except Silvy but if they choose to re-sign with their respective teams or join another team because of their perception of Chicago's loyalty to their players then I would swallow that medicine and hope that the next tier of free agents are more concerned with winning championships and just being good guys. Those players won't have to worry about the franchise's or the fan's loyalty when their careers are over.

We also have to take into consideration that Wade is trying to lure superstars to South Beach just as much as The Bulls are attempting to woo him. Wade could be running a little interference by putting some negative thoughts into the atmosphere regarding the Bulls, giving Bosh, Johnson and company something to think about at Gibson's when they sit down with the Chairman and GarPax.

If that's what D. Wade is pulling then I officially stamp his Chicago card null and void.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The F.I.L.T.R.O. Method

In honor of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia and the famous D.E.N.N.I.S. Method for seducing phoenixes, here is the much anticpated, highly successful method that I use to reel in the does. I like to call it The F.I.L.T.R.O. Method.

F - Feign interest. Deliver an academy award performance and act like you care about whatever nonsense is spilling out of the hole that will soon act as a cosy for your penis.
I - Initiate sexual relations in public with her best friend. The more gratuitous and over-the-top, the better. If her friend has a hairy mole or bi-polar disorder, you have hit the trifecta young sir.
L - Laugh in her face as you leave with her best friend. Make sure to grab your belly and tilt your head back for dramatic effect. Looking back and pointing as you laugh so hard that salsa con queso oozes from your nostrils is encouraged.
T - Tell her that you've changed. Say that you were young and immature and a week of pounding her best friend liike a dusty Oriental rug made you realize that it's time to grow up. Take her to dinner.
R - Revive her childhood fear of being alone and the myriad of insecurities that she has about her body. When she grabs the steak knife and tries to to slit her wrists vertically, volunteer to stay at her place for the night.
O - Orgasm and leave quickly. Run out of her place laughing hysterically, tracking your man yogurt all over her hardwood floors. Make sure to wipe your genitals with her dead father's favorite cashmere sweater and hang it haphazardly on his urn.

Enjoy but not too much or I'll sue your asses!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Quote of the Day

"Lord, protect me from my friends; I can take care of my enemies."
-Voltaire, 1694-1778

Sunday, May 16, 2010

What's On TV

Currently watching Superbowl XXXVI. Patriots vs. Rams in New Orleans. First thoughts, who is Antwan Smith? Lovie Smith siting on the sidelines with the Rams as the D-Coordinator. Future Bears busts Adam Archuleta is in the secondary for the Rams and that's one of the reasons why Tom Brady and the Patriots have a 14-3 lead over St.Louis with 12:32 seconds left in the 3rd quarter. Of course, the Patriots would go on to win the 1st of 3 consecutive Lombardi trophies establishing a dynasty the likes of which may never be achieved again in the annals of NFL history.

Switching subjects, Mets pitcher John Maine walks the first 3 batters he faces on 12 pitches and walks in a run during a 40 pitch 1st inning. This comes the same day that Mets pitcher Oliver Perez was demoted to the bullpen. A little protest for his fellow rotation mate? No. John Maine, like the rest of the Mets pitching staff, couldn't hit the strike zone if it was sequined to his backside.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Word of the Week is...

...Cervical Radiculitis

Tiger Woods, the number 1 golfer in the world, withdrew from The Player's Championship at TPC Sawgrass after an errant tee shot on the 7th hole Sunday. Woods complained of pain in his neck and tingling in his fingers.

"I've been playing through it. I can't play through it anymore," said Woods, who was shooting two over par for the round when he pulled out. This is the first time that Woods has withdrawn from a tournament once play has started. I suspect that this is not the first time that Tiger has pulled out.

Woods received a check-up at the on-course medical facility and was diagnosed with "Cervical Radiculitis, which is characterized by the compression of nerve roots in the upper part of the spine.

"The 'cervical' spine consists of the first seven vertebrae, starting from the bottom of the skull. Radiculitis occurs when the spinal disc presses against the nerves that connect to the spinal cord. Due to the spinal nerves branching out to other areas of the body, the symptoms of cervical radiculitis can be felt in other places besides the location of the affected disc and nerve root. Depending on which disc is affected, you may feel pain in the arms, chest, neck, or shoulders. Other symptoms can include numb fingers and weak muscles in the arms and chest."

"Cervical radiculitis can be effectively diagnosed using MRI equipment, which can identify the location of nerve root compression. CT scans and electrodiagnostic tests can also be useful. With proper treatment, the prognosis for cervical radiculitis is generally good. Mild cases may respond to physical therapy or medications such as NSAIDs or steroids. Cases of cervical radiculitis that fail to respond to conservative treatment methods can be effectively treated with surgery to relieve the compression of the nerve root. At the Bonati Institute for Advanced Arthroscopic Surgery, operations are done on an outpatient basis and have a 90+ percent immediate success rate, as compared to the roughly 50 percent success rate for open back surgery."

Cirvical Radiculitis shouldn't be confused with the ailment that Golf Channel reporter Win McMurray diagnosed Woods with. In a tawdry Freudian slip, McMurray explained that "[Woods] says he's been playing with a bad neck for about a month and thinks it could be a bulging dick". McMurray quickly corrected herself and made it clear that she was talking about a "disk in his upper back" and not the male organ that has contributed to Tiger's recent marital woes and stints in rehab.

Cirvical Radiculitis should also not be confused with Ridiculitis, which is the state of someone or something being utterly and totally ridiculous. In honor of the words of the week, here are my top 5 things that may or may not be infected with Ridiculitis.

5. The Chicago Cubs bullpen. Grabow and Russell are either having a bout of Ridiculitis or, as many psuedo-doctors have diagnosed, they just suck.

4. Sami Salo of the Vancouver Canucks. Salo suffered a ruptured testicle during Sunday night's contest with the Blackhawks. A ruptured testicle automatically doubles as a case of ridiculitis.

3. Aramis Ramirez and Derrek Lee. Derrek Lee (.210 batting average) and Aramis Ramirez (.160 batting average) 31 and 30 games into the season respectively. Their combined (lack of) game has a chronic case of Ridiculitis.

2. The obsession with everything Milton Bradley by the collective Chicago media. Seems to be a very pervasive case of Ridiculitis.

1. Chicago's recently developed obsession with all things Blackhawks hockey. Could only be a drug and alcohol fueled strain of Ridiculitis.

Receiving infected with Ridiculitis honorable mention are the pronunciation of the name of Celtics point guard Rajon (alternately pronounced RAY-jon, RA-jon, and RAW-jon by telecasters, sports anchors, and the NBA's online name reference) Rondo, anything that Ozzie Guillen and Lou Pinella say after a loss, the pop band Passion Pit, and the Tampa Bay Rays for having a perfect game thrown against them by a soft-tossing southpaw (Oakland Athletics pitcher Dallas Braden was the culprit this time) 2 years in a row.

What are some people, places, and things that you have an inkling are suffering from a mild to heavy case of Ridiculitis?

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

City of "Don't Tase Me Bro" therly Love

A 17 year old Phillies fan was tasered by ballpark security shortly after running onto the field during the 8th inning of lastnight's ballgame between the Philadelphia Phillies and the St. Louis Cardinals. The fan hopped a fence and ran around the outfield, eluding two officers before being tasered by a third.

Police spokesman Lt. Frank Vanore told The Philadelphia Inquirer police internal affairs will open an investigation to determine if the firing “was proper use of the equipment.” The Phillies team spokesman said that this is the first incidence of security using a taser to subdue a fan that ran out on the field.

The young man that was tasered, whose name was not released because he is a minor but was later identified as Steve Consalvi, will be charged with criminal trespass and related offenses.

Hopefully, the tasering of this young man and the semi permanent burns that he will have on his back throughout his lifetime will serve as a reminder to all the knuckleheads out there thinking of duplicating these sophomoric actions that, once they cross the line from the stands to the field, they are no longer a spectator and the rules as they knew them in spectator land cease to exist.

This young man could've just been some silly teenager, full of beer bravery, making good on a junior high school dare. He also could've been William Ligue, Jr. and his shirtless 15 year old son mercilessly attacking then Kansas City Royals 1st base coach Tom Gamboa or Gunter Parche running on the court and stabbing tennis star Monica Seles.

The security at Citizen's Bank Park, and all sports arenas throughout America for that matter, are paid to protect the lucrative assets on the field primarily and, secondarily, to protect the fans in the stands so that everyone has an enjoyable experience at the ballpark. When fans abdicate their contractual obligation to stay in their seats and behave themselves and decide to enter the field of play (or vice-versa as was the case when Ron Artest entered the stands in Detroit), bad results are an inevitability.

There will be questions about when the appropriate time is to use tasers to subdue offenders and whether they are the safest method of intervention.

The moral of this story is, if you plan to run onto the playing surface at your local mass amusement venue, lather on the vaseline and wear lots of layers.