In honor of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia and the famous D.E.N.N.I.S. Method for seducing phoenixes, here is the much anticpated, highly successful method that I use to reel in the does. I like to call it The F.I.L.T.R.O. Method.
F - Feign interest. Deliver an academy award performance and act like you care about whatever nonsense is spilling out of the hole that will soon act as a cosy for your penis.
I - Initiate sexual relations in public with her best friend. The more gratuitous and over-the-top, the better. If her friend has a hairy mole or bi-polar disorder, you have hit the trifecta young sir.
L - Laugh in her face as you leave with her best friend. Make sure to grab your belly and tilt your head back for dramatic effect. Looking back and pointing as you laugh so hard that salsa con queso oozes from your nostrils is encouraged.
T - Tell her that you've changed. Say that you were young and immature and a week of pounding her best friend liike a dusty Oriental rug made you realize that it's time to grow up. Take her to dinner.
R - Revive her childhood fear of being alone and the myriad of insecurities that she has about her body. When she grabs the steak knife and tries to to slit her wrists vertically, volunteer to stay at her place for the night.
O - Orgasm and leave quickly. Run out of her place laughing hysterically, tracking your man yogurt all over her hardwood floors. Make sure to wipe your genitals with her dead father's favorite cashmere sweater and hang it haphazardly on his urn.
Enjoy but not too much or I'll sue your asses!