My sleep pattern is officially screwed.
After a Friday filled with wine (4 glasses to be exact; In Vino Veritas), great conversation with friends (true friends, not the conditional ones that my 3.5 years in college seems to have garnered), and the absolute best veal vesuvio that I've ever had (shout out to Peiro at Trattoria Isabella), I now find myself wide awake at 3:20 a.m. on Saturday morning watching baseball highlights on the MLB Network, shaving, and making a to-get list for my much anticipated maiden voyage to the recently opened Target on Broadway.
Such is the life of a 26 year old insomniac.
Well, I'm not technically an insomniac. I don't lose sleep more than two nights a week and a lack of sleep isn't adversely affecting the quality of my work. My co-worker are handling that part of this production very well. It's just that this whole waking up in the middle of the night thing is becoming sort of a pattern. How much of a pattern you ask? A "I did the exact same thing yesterday morning but an hour later" type of pattern. I'm beginning to wonder when my adoring public will see me crying in a courtroom with "Fuck You" painted on my fingernails because of my wonky sleeping habits.
Okay, that's creepy in more than one way but you follow me (Right?! Right?!).
I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. No more than a 21 year old DeAngelo had on his mind, just more pertinent to my sex life, job status, checkbook, mental health, and livelihood in general. I have so many questions about myself and others that seem to be clogging up the old synapsises and neuro receptors in my old brain (wow, I just slipped into nerd talk). Questions like:
1. Why does the Republican Party still exist?
2. Why is President Obama such a pussy when it comes to Fox News?
3. Why are all of the cool girls married (or otherwise beholden to some douche) and all of the non-cool girls so plentiful?
4. Why is Sarah Palin relevant in any intelligent conversation about anything?
5. What's Lindsay Lohan doing right at this moment?
6. If you take the Velvetta cheese off of the (insert your fav combination of meat, vegetables, and tortillas), is it still considered Tex-Mex?
7. Is the bird really the word?
I used to be such an idealist. For God's sake (sarcasm) I said that "the world is always getting better" in my publish book of photography. Now I realize that the world is getting more populated, more polluted, more retarded, more something but it certainly isn't trending in this linear pattern towards that distant star known only as "better" to 15 year old DeAngelo. And they say that constant, vigorous masturbation doesn't effect mental health.
I'm worried about the world that we've (especially my generation, Generation "Why?") inherited. There is widespread and rampant poverty and famine. There are wars or rumors of war almost everyday. Entire governments are going broke from decades of fiscal irresponsibility and corruption. Our education systems, where they even exist, are producing automatons, not free-thinking, analytical scholars. Our relationships with each other are becoming more frayed, regressing to a primative form of tribalism where your race, ethnicity, religion, and political affiliation is more of an identifier of who you are (and who you are not) instead of simply being an aspect (an insignificant one at that) of your overarching humanity.
This all sounds eerily similar to the biblical book of Revelations. Jesus H. Christ! As an atheist, I think I just vomited a little holy wine and stale bread in my mouth.
The point is that I think about this confluence of events and it keeps me up at night sometimes. I wonder whether there's any hope for this world or are we spiraling uncontrollably towards an inevitable date with oblivion. I know in my rational mind that I'm just one person and that, for the most part, a lot of these happenings are largely out of my control but that doesn't stop me from owning my part of this whole conundrum.
What can I do to leave the world a better place than it was bequeathed to me? Is it as simple as not throwing my used gum on the ground, letting it mellow if it's yellow, and reducing my carbon footprint by taking less breaths (the stupidest concept the crazy tree huggers have ever come up with and they've come up with some pretty stupid shit). Or is it more than that? Is it standing up for the rights of the individual even if you don't agree with their premises (Dr. Laura anyone)? Is it speaking the truth unabashedly at the most inopportune times at the risk of that esoteric thing known as your reputation?
Who knows. It could be all of the above or none of the above. What is certain is that the answer starts with the individual doing something. Whether you take the lefthand path or the right one, take a path because the middle road is always the one to perdition. If you're going to believe something, at the very least know why you believe that something. If you're going to do something, at the very least know why you're going to do that something and stick with it.
And for the sake Of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, stop giving two shits about what the hell the limp dicks at Fox News thinks!
Wow, I feel so much better now. Maybe the world is getting better and better everyday. Nope, wait a minute, that's just the Tylenol PM that I took 20 minutes ago kicking in.
Time to doze off with the soothing sounds of Law & Order playing in the background. I have to get my rest for tomorrow (more like later today) I'll get another opportunity to make the world less fucked up one awkward encounter with a maladjusted pants pisser at a time.