Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Things That Aren't Hot - Chicks with Mustaches


After surviving sideways blowing torrential rainfall, I finally arrived at the Addison Red Line station and boarded the train towards the Loop. I was lucky enough to find a seat that wasn't completely covered with water or refuse from one of the many night patrons that call CTA their condo.

At the Belmont station, A young lady with long legs and short blonde hair boarded my car. It was obvious that she didn't have time to dry her hair after her morning shower. Her hair was in one of those styles with the little pony tail up top and some hair hanging down in the back. It's probably a good thing that she didn't dry her hair. It would've been a colossal waste of time and she wouldn't have been as hot.

She was very fit. Her black Donna Karen skirt fit snugly over her toned legs and hips. The white and gray plaid short-sleeved blouse accentuated her flat stomach. An argyle sweater vest added a professional touch and left a little to the imagination.

This girl was stunning by any and all accounts, even in the disheveled state that she was in. She boarded the train, made a 90* turn to her right, and settled in the nook in front of my seat next to the door. She looked at me and smiled in polite greeting.

That's when I saw it!

In little blonde hairs was a mustache that would make Burt Reynold's lip rug look like a shower mat. It was fuller and thicker than the thickest stache on the hairiest bear in all of Lake View, Boystown, and Andersonville combined. Did she notice this thick coating of fur on her nostril patio? Does she even care?

I could just imagine a romantic boat ride on Lake Michigan. The moon is high in the sky and the stars are shining with splendid luster. We are on the bow of the ship looking out at the rolling, dark waters. I look at her. She looks at me. We embrace each other and lock lips with a passionate kiss. Suddenly, I stumble backwards, gripped by uncontrollable laughter because her manscaping is tickling my upper lip!

GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ladies, here's a bit of advice. Gillette is not just the best that a man can get. I hear that she swings both ways. Facial hair on a woman is the most unattractive thing that could ever appear on a woman's face. It is worse than scars, boogers, blood, jiz, or Bozo the clown type pageant make-up. I don't mind a little body hair. Some of you ladies got more of your genes from your dad than your mom. I completely understand a little hair under the arms, down the neck, on the small of the back, or on the single-lane landing strip down under. Body hair can be sexy. It is absolutely, positively not hot when your mustache connects to your beard and mines doesn't.

So, lady on the train, you're beautiful. Your body is a wonderland that I've been saving my ski ball tickets to explore. Here's a little advice - the next time you go to the spa for a mani-pedi or head to the salon to get those roots touched up, get a little of the hot wax on your upper lip. That is unless you're going for the Janeane Garofalo, hipster sheek look.

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