Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Rock Out With Your Cock Out!


"(My reputation) has always been important to me," Favre told ESPN reporter Chris Mortensen. "That was one of the first questions I answered when I signed here (in Minnesota). Sure it is important to me; it has always been a concern." That's how good 'ole boy Brett (don't call me Bret Michaels) Favre addressed the media when he was asked how all the flip flopping on retirement would affect his legacy in the long run. Who knew that those same questions would surface after Favre was discovered to have been rocking out with his cock out -- literally.

The future first ballot Hall of Famer, who recently became the first player in NFL history to reach the 70,000 passing yards and 500 touchdowns plateau, allegedly sent inappropriate messages and pictures -- including a reported set of nude photos -- to former Jets employee Jenn Sterger while Favre was on his first post-retirement unretirement narcissistic sympathy tour with the New York Jets.

The league is in the process of investigating the allegations against Favre. Chris Mortensen, during ESPN's "Sunday NFL Countdown", said that the league's investigation could wrap up in four to six days, and there is a good chance that Favre could face a suspension under the NFL's strict personal conduct policy that saw 2-time Super Bowl winning quarterback Ben Roethlisberger suspended for the first 4 games of the 2010 season for inappropriate behavior with a college student in a Milledgeville, GA. bar and former Super Bowl MVP WR Santonio Homes, formerly of the Pittsburgh Steelers and currently with the New York Jets, suspended for the first 4 games of this season for violating the NFL' substance abuse policy.

"My main focus is the New York Jets, they are a tough team; as good as they are, that has been my focus," Favre told ESPN before his Monday night return to the Empire state. "I hate in any way if this has been a distraction as I said Thursday --we are here focused on trying to beat the Jets." The Vikings went on to fall to the Jets 29-20 due in part to a 4th quarter interception thrown by Favre and returned 26 yards by Jets defensive back Dwight Lowery.

Favre, who was experiencing noticeable pain in his right elbow after throwing nearly every pass during the game was diagnosed with right elbow tendinitis and didn't rule out the possibility of missing 1-2 games to let it heal. "I don't want to play just to play," Favre said. "It's kind of a funny injury. It could flare up and get worse." This is the same Favre who, in the same press conference, called tendenitis "a wimpy injury". Makes one ponder if Favre is offering to voluntarily sit out a couple of games to end his NFL record 289 consecutive starts streak on his own terms rather than having any potential punishment doled out by Commissioner Roger Goodell be the fait accompli for the tremendous record.

I'm also pondering the effects of ole # 4's aw shucks country boy attitude on our collective perception of the superstar. Like it or not, we've all been brainwashed and conditioned into thinking that grandpa Favre is a guy from a bygone generation, with his Southern sensibilities, petting his dog in the back of his Ford F250 twin cab, getting ready to play a pick-up game of football in the ole sandlot with his eclectic group of pals in a fresh new pair of real -- comfortable Stranglers...I mean Wranglers. Brett is a guy just like us, a guy who has problems choosing which 50" plasma screen TV to buy at Sears and whether he should come back and take the $16 million salary that his employer is so eager to give him that they sent 3 of his favorite co-workers down to his farm on a Gulfstream G5 private jet to escort him back to the office in mankato, MN. Well, it turns out that the living legend is no different than us mere mortals because he too is not immune from the compulsion to furtively send pics of his wanker and sext (that's sexual text messages for the uninitiated) to female co-workers, a phenomenon brought on by developments in modern cell phone technology and social media. Like most people his age that are relatively new to this age where everyone can star in a reality show whether they know it or not, Favre was lulled into the foggy, bottomless abyss of perceived anonymity and privacy.

As much as Favre has held the media and the collective adoring masses of sports fans hostage for parts of the past three offseasons, it should come as no surprise that a person in the media would smear # 4's face with some of the same egg that we've all been saturated in for taking part in Brett's conceited, self-indulgent 3-ring circus of contrived uncertainty. Lost in all this is the effect that these embarrassing revelations are having on Brett's wife Deanna. She has made no secret that she has sacrificed her own happiness and that of her family to support her hubby's career for over 20 years and would like her man to come back home to Gulfport, MS. and return the favor. Besides the shame and embarrassment of finding out that your spouse has been leaving Tiger Woods style voicemails for a former Florida State Seminoles cowgirl who looks remarkably like a younger, thinner, tanner you, I'm sure that it didn't help that these revelations came to the surface during the month of October. It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and Deanna is a breast cancer survivor.

We all make mistakes. We're all human and fallible after all. The vast majority of us have the benefit of being able to make our mistakes in relative anonymity with only the fear of backlash from our immediate circle of friends and family. I'm in no way sympathetic to Brett's public shame because he has courted public attention with countless commercials and tear filled press conferences. I also have no sympathy for Jenn Sterger, who is obviously looking to cash in on the multi-million dollar world of TV and magazine interviews, book deals, and reality TV appearances. Sterger rose to fame after she was shown on national television during a 2005 Florida State vs. Miami football game. On seeing the shot, announcer Brent Musburger commented that "1,500 red-blooded Americans just decided to apply to Florida State." There are women who face quid pro quo sexual harassment in the workplace on a daily basis. They feel demoralized, defeated, and trapped. They have to decide which is more important -- their pride or their careers. Fortunately for Sterger, she does not have that unenviable choice to make because she has no pride and, what residual pride she does have, is currently being auctioned off to the highest bidder. I guess that's the "right resolution" she was alluding to in her press release.

My sympathy goes out to every person who went out and bought a pair of Wranglers from Target or a plasma screen TV from Sears because they trusted Favre and identified with him. My heart goes out to every person walking around in a Favre jersey who, male or female, will constantly be asked by groups of drunken frat boys such as myself to "show us your dick" from now until Favre goes to the golden training camp in the sky (which will incidently be the first training camp that he's attended in quite some time). I'm truly sympathetic towards Deanna Favre who has stuck by her man just like the old country song implored her to; ever present in the luxury suites cheering on her husband even as she underwent painful, crippling radiation treatments. Deanna, if you'd like to get back at Brett I'd be more than happy to send you pics of my penis.

Brett, your consecutive starts streak is impressive, if not for the quantity of games, definitely for the grit and determination it took to play in some of those games, and will never be broken. Peyton Manning, who currently holds the second longest consecutive games streak in the NFL, would have to play every game until 2016just to tie the record. You own ever major NFL passing record and you're a multiple time league MVP and a Superbowl champion. With all great athletes, with the exception of Barry Sanders, it's a difficult decision to hang up the jock strap, shoulder pads, and cleats and walk off into the uncertainty of retirement. In the real world, you know, the one that the rest of us endure as much as survive on a daily basis, when you're old and start doing things like, I don't know, showing your dick to other people, we usually take away your driver's license, lock you in a nursing home, and give you a little Dixie cup with pills in it everyday at 9 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. just before Jeopardy comes on. As much as this option is enticing, fortunately for you it's not feasible in your case.

Brett, for the sake of your wife, children, grandchildren, fans and what's left of your pride and legacy, hang it up sport. It's time to retire. By the looks of it, your pecker already got the memo.

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